Discussing Breast Cancer

After my breast cancer diagnosis, I realized I’d have to explain to my children what was going on in a way that they’d understand and wouldn’t scare them or bring on unnecessary stress.

They were 2 and 4 years old. How much did they need to know? How much could I protect them from? I did some research online made a phone call to the American Cancer Society to ask for guidance.

Regardless of your children’s age, here’s a universal truth: telling your children something right away takes some fear off their minds — they’ll already know something is wrong because your routine will be altered and your anxiety and stress will show in your parenting. Don’t let them think the worst and worry on their own. Be matter of fact and age appropriate in your explanations. Conceal some of your own anxieties (only the worst ones) but don’t be afraid to show them some as well — they’ll share it with you instead of wondering if it is worse than you are letting on. Tell them to ask you any questions they have … and answer them honestly as best you can. And do some reading before the questions come up so you aren’t caught off guard. They may ask you about losing you, either temporarily because of a hospital stay or because you’ll die … be prepared to talk to them about it, don’t just brush off their concern. Make sure they understand that you are sick, but it is not a contagious kind of sick. They won’t catch it from you. They may also wonder who is going to take care of them if you are unable to — reassure them that they will be cared for no matter what!

My age-appropriate explanation went something like this:

“Our bodies are made up of cells, like Ms. Frizzle explains on the Magic School Bus, remember? Well, Mommy has some sick cells in her body. I need to have them removed and take some medicine to make sure my cells stay well. I need to make important phone calls to arrange my doctor’s appointments and understand my treatment and I might need to be on the phone a lot in the next few days. Can you cooperate with me on that?”

If you take the mystery out of it, they won’t be as stressed that they are being left out of something important. Allow them to be a part of it. It is their reality, they have a mother with breast cancer, and that will not change. It will make them who they are as adults; it is a part of their life story and the sooner you accept that, the more easily you can factor it into your parenting decisions.

It is possible your kids would benefit from a support group or counseling. So look for signs that they are internalizing their situation. Is their stress coming out in their artwork or schoolwork? Are they acting out? Alert their school teachers and social workers to be on the lookout as well … they can help you and alert you to any issues they notice when your kids aren’t in your care.

Remember, children don’t necessary have the experience to equate cancer with death the way we do as adults. My nieces were older (6, 8 & 9) … it didn’t dawn on them that breast cancer and death often went hand in hand until supportively went to a Relay for Life event and saw the luminaries … that’s when they needed reassurance. So if your child is older, you may want to be prepared to talk about death (especially if you are dealing with late stage disease). Charlotte’s Web is a great book to read, too, that features death and grief as a natural part of lie.

Of course, each age brings a different level of understanding; my simple explanation won’t work for older kids. Subsequent diagnoses also brings great stress and new questions, I can attest to that personally, but we’ll discuss that in a later post).

Your diagnosis is out of your control. But you can control how you and your kids are armed to fight. Here are some links to help you assess how to take up arms:

The American Cancer Society has some great resources to help children deal with a cancer diagnosis.

Cancer Care for Kids is another resource you should check out.

Finally, KidSupport has great information to peruse and use.

Throughout your treatment, check in with them from time to time, ask if they have questions or concerns. And give them as much attention as you can. When I was in treatment, I found really clever ways to give attention to my kids. I’ll share that with you tomorrow!