Just Before Surgery
My husband and I arrived at Yale just past dawn on Tuesday morning, May 2nd, 2006. We pulled into the valet parking circle and I couldn’t help but think it would have been so much nicer if we were arriving at a fancy restaurant for brunch instead of the hospital where both my breasts were being removed.
First, we headed to the admission office. Just days before I’d been there for pre-op testing. Now it was time for the real deal. My leaded heart hurt just as much as my caffeine-deprived head.
After we’d check int, we headed upstairs to the surgical floor. We were guided to my cubicle, passing family after family in their own personal cubicles, and I was given a gown to change into. With the curtain pulled closed, I stripped off my clothes, the last bit of comfort I’d feel for days, and sat barely covered in the wanna be lounge chair they provided.
The first thing the nurse noticed when she walked in to check on me was that I still wore my wedding ring. I was purposeful about that, having left off all other jewelry, but my wedding band … “that has to come off,” she said.
That was when the tears started. I handed the ring to my husband and noticed he was filled to the brim with tears as he took them from my shaking hand.
They provided blankets to keep my body as warm as possible as they prepped me for surgery. There were residents with clipboards and nurses with notebooks coming in and out of the cubicle and everyone was checking things off and writing things down and all I wanted to do was sit there quietly with the man I loved.
Then the anesthesiologist came in to start my IV. He was very kind, very warm, and in a way, I wished he’d been as cold and clinical as the minions that had been there before him. His bedside manner made me feel human and important and that opened up the floodgates of fear and anxiety that I’d been working so hard to contain. I nearly exploded with pre-op emotion and adrenalin.
When it was time to get me to the OR he allowed me to sit in a chair instead of lying down on a gurney so that I could see where we were going. My husband held my hand and walked beside me for as long as he could … then the anesthesiologist showed him the waiting room and we had to quickly say goodbye.
I really wish he could have come to that room with me.
Breast Cancer, Double Mastectomy, Surgery, Reconstruction
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