Discussing Breast Cancer

Yesterday’s announcement sidetracked me a bit so let me back up … we were discussing how to help your kids cope with a cancer diagnosis.

I knew my kids would need special attention while I was “sick” — at about two and four they were still babies in my eyes. As their primary caregiver, caring for them was my top priority on a daily basis; their welfare was my top concern when I realized I’d need treatment. I knew I’d have doctors appointments, surgeries, radiation therapy, maybe chemotherapy. While my life was about to be markedly changed I felt it was important for my kids to have a consistent routine, a loving caregiver and more daily fun than they’d ever experienced. I figured if I could “reframe” the experience into a positive one for them we’d all be better off.

I was blessed in that my mother didn’t live far and was able to come over much of the time I was in treatment. Because of that, I was able to achieve all my goals for their care. She met their basic needs but also got on the floor and played with them every day. They looked forward to her arrival. One day when my treatment was over he asked her if she remembered, ‘the good old days,’ when she used to come over and they would play together. The good old days. Can you imagine?

There’s also lots of quiet activities I found my children content to do while I was in bed. I purchased them lap desks so they could color by my side. They watched favorite DVDs and videos while I dosed. We read, and read, and read, all kinds of books. I swear, their love of reading might be directly related to the bond we shared with books during that time. They also had sleepovers at their cousins’ houses and special outings with Dad. Really, they were having a blast.

But let me get back to those basic needs …

My sound advice is to urge people to resist the temptation to ask them to take care of mommy because what they really need to know is who is going to take care of them. My oldest son, six years old at the time of my second diagnosis (I know, I’ll get to that soon) actually asked this question of me:

“When you’re sick, who is going to make my school lunches and stuff like that?”

Moms do it all and your kids know it. Don’t underestimate how important this is to them, how recognized it is though it mostly goes unsaid, and reassure them that another grown up will step up and take care of them when you cannot.

Also, never forget how much they love you, and as long as their basic needs are met, they just want to be with you. So work that in as best you can … just be close to them even if you can’t be up and about.

Finally, demystify the whole experience for a slightly older child if you can. I brought my four year old to the radiation therapy clinic one day just so he could see what is was all about. He still talks about seeing me wave to him on the monitor that day while sitting on the technician’s lap. He realized it wasn’t as scary as he had built it up to be in his head once he saw it with his own eyes.

FYI, I gave my boys these activity books from the American Cancer Society: Because Someone I Love has Cancer.

And here’s a link to some other great books on the topic of helping kids cope with cancer.