Fear of Recurrence Becomes Reality
I’ve been putting off sharing the details of my recurrence because recurrence itself is so hard to face, even after the fact. I also don’t want to worry anyone unnecessarily … not everyone has a recurrence after an initial bout of breast cancer. Many, many people are lucky that way. I was not. This week I’ll tell you about my recurrence.
After my treatment for DCIS in 2003, as I said before, I went on Tamoxifen and intended to stay cancer free. After all, my breast cancer was Stage 0, my surgical margins were good, my radiation treatments were clinically ‘by the book.’
Good doctors monitor you closely and I did my part by making and keeping my scheduled appointments.
A few months after my treatment (March 2004) I had a clean mammogram. That was a huge sigh of relief — everything looked sunny, not a calcification to be seen. I didn’t have to have another mammo for a year. The weight on my shoulders was lifted. That year was fantastic. My energy returned and physically I felt great.
Mentally, however? I was afraid of recurrence. They didn’t have good data for young survivors — i didn’t want five or ten year recurrence rates, I wanted twenty or thirty year rates and they don’t exist for women under forty. One of my doctors told me that since I was diagnosed, odds were I’d get cancer again in my lifetime. “The good news,” he’d tell me, “is that we’ll be on top of it when it happens.”
That’s such a frustrating concept. After you’ve been diagnosed with and treated for breast cancer, you’re always waiting for the other shoe to fall and hit you in the head. You always expect it, you just don’t know when it’ll happen, so you’re never quite … at ease.
My March 2005 mammogram was different from the previous year, but not suspicious enough to warrant a biopsy. Six months later (September 2006) I had another mammo, no different from the March mammogram so still not suspicious enough.
Both times I felt I’d been given a recess but not a permanent vacation from the worry.
Then came the March 2006 mammogram … and the other shoe finally fell from the sky.
May 7th, 2007 at 10:28 am
Aww hon..I know exactly how ya feel. I too am waiting for that other shoe to drop. Surgery went well..no complications. But this time the pain seems to be worse from what I remember with the first one..maybe its because I was more in shock last time? Anyway, now the wait begins..should have results here in a few days. Take care hon…