Discussing Breast Cancer

Whether you are in the midst of cancer treatment, in survivor mode or caring for someone with cancer, the holidays are going to happen. Cancer doesn’t wait until the holidays are over. Cancer happens when it happens.

But having cancer around doesn’t mean the holidays have to suck. Maybe things will be different for you this year. Maybe things will be different for your family. But that’s okay … different can still be wonderful. You just have to change the way you think about it.

That’s why I’m starting this three part series: to get you ready to enjoy a different holiday. Today I’m focusing on the person with cancer. Whether you were just diagnosed, recovering from surgery, going through radiation or chemotherapy … today that’s what we’re talking about. Tomorrow I’ll talk to those of you in survivor mode, the person with the physical cancer treatment behind them. Then Thursday, I’ll focus on the caregivers.

For your reference, I’m a two time survivor and just last December I had my post-Tram-flap hysterectomy while my mother endured her last two chemotherapy cycles. It was emotionally difficult to get our minds around the fact that our holidays would be tainted. We were both forced to consider our notion of what the holidays should be, what we felt we had to do versus what we wanted to do. I personally realized in that year what really mattered to me when it came to the holidays.

For example, I always spent a considerable amount of time baking holiday cookies. I was worried that things just wouldn’t be the same without them. What I realized after reflection was that I wanted the time shared with my kids baking cookies just like I’d had with my own mom growing up. It made me sad, because I couldn’t stand in my kitchen with them amidst seven layer bars, peanut butter blossoms and snickerdoodles. So when a friend of mine offered to come over and bake with my kids on my behalf, I took her up on that offer. She had a ball and so did my kids. And you know what, so did I, listening from the other room as she tried to explain to my two year old what not to do when baking cookies (like sneeze into your hand then pick up more batter, that kind of thing). She created a new memory for me that I cherish — and my kids? They had mounds of fun listening to holiday music and eating cookie dough and getting sticky licky.

What mattered was the actual experience I wanted my kids to have, not how the experience happened. I wanted to be a part of it, but I didn’t have to be central to it.

Remember, it is not up to you to create memories for your kids — they are doing memorable things all the time and making new memories of their own all the time. Letting them have good memories of their own, even if they are different from the ones you have from your own childhood, is okay.

Another point … I love a decorated home. But I don’t love a decorated home nearly as much as my mother-in-law does. So it made perfect sense for me to sit back and watch her to deck my halls for me when I was down and out. It didn’t matter if I’d done it myself; all that was important was the feeling we get when surrounded by festive beauty.

We all have opinions about what we think our holidays should be … what they should look like, how they should sound, what they should feel like. I urge you to reframe yours. Maybe you don’t need to cook the entire meal. Some grocery stores even have tasty pre-cooked foods you can pass off as your own by transferring to a pretty bowl. Isn’t the point to enjoy a meal together as a family? Or, maybe you don’t need to wrap every gift. A few strategically unwrapped gifts might actually thrill your kids. And really, do your children even notice the bows? Think about it.

And about that Christmas tree … artificial trees are really low maintenance. No dropped needles, no endless checking of the stand for water. They go up in a flash and by the way, Yankee Candle makes a really good Sparking Pine scent. If you always pick one out or cut one down, maybe make a memory picking out a special wreath that the whole family admires or sipping cocoa outside in the snow. It’ll be a new memory, but new is okay if it fits your energy level this year. Just a thought.

There are so many things you can take off your plate to make your holiday a little less fatiguing. Let people help you by shopping and baking and decorating. Let someone else do holiday crafts with your kids. Check your ego at the door (yes, you still have one, even if you think you don’t). It’s okay if you aren’t doing everything. It’s actually kind of liberating.

Cancer doesn’t wait until the holidays are over. But that doesn’t mean you should wish the days away faster.

cancer, breast cancer, holidays, shopping, baking, decorating